LPD: The Full Monty
by Balin Lord of Moria
Summary: When the Lytton police are high in debt to the city, an unlikely man in a white leisure suit comes to town and recommends a radical way to save the police force and the war against crime...the Full Monty! Handsome Sonny Bonds and some of his attractive (and less attractive) cop friends are the ones who have to do the Monty!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Police Quest_ or _Leisure Suit Larry_. Sierra On-Line created both game series, Jim Walls designed _Police Quest_, and Al Lowe designed _Leisure Suit Larry_.

* * *

**Chapter 1**

"You can't be serious!" said Lieutenant James Morgan disbelievingly as he looked at the report that Commissioner Hacker had sent to him.

"I agree with Morgan," said Sergeant Dooley, "The city of Lytton is still exposed to plenty of crime. If the city doesn't pay the cops for the work they do, they could lose their jobs. The Lytton Police Department could be in financial trouble. The boys and girls may even go on strike, and that would be an embarrassment to the LPD we may take a long time to recover from!"

"I'm afraid it is, gentlemen," said Chief of Police Whipplestick, "The Commissioner says that the force owes the city $50,000 before they will fund the police officers again. I'm afraid the officers will have to either work without being paid or go home and find another line of work until we can acquire the needed funds."

"This is a disgrace," grumbled Morgan, "Without the police, this city will ultimately tear itself apart. We can't shut down a whole police force, not even for a small, quiet town. Even with the Death Angel and his brother gone, other drug runners, gamblers, killers, and other criminals will soon get the picture of what's happening and take full advantage of it."

"I'm sorry, gentlemen, but that's the way it is," said the Chief, "I argued vehemently against this for some time, too, but the Commissioner is up to his neck in working to fix this problem, and without his support, we can't pay the police, no matter how hard or well they work. I'm afraid you'll just have to inform the officers and detectives, and see if any of them are willing to continue working, even under this possible strike."

The Chief left the room.

The Lieutenant of Narcotics slammed his fist on his desk. "Where do the citizens of this city get off, claiming that _we_ owe _them_ such a debt, especially after all we've done for them, what with the Death Angel case and all?"

"The mysteries of this world never cease," said Sgt. Dooley, "I'll just have to gather all the cops into a briefing and tell them the bad news. But I've known some strange things to happen in the world. Maybe we'll get some kind of miracle that'll provide us with the money."

"I don't believe in miracles, John," said Morgan, "But I suppose there _may _be somebody out there who is generous with his/her money, or who can provide us with a clever idea to get the money."

* * *

Dooley called the briefing and informed all the cops on the Lytton Police Force of the situation. He had to quiet down some murmurs that rose from some of the officers, but he was still able to get his point across. After he was finished explaining the story, he asked for volunteers to continue their police work without pay. Several officers and detectives raised their hands and said, "Yes," such as Joe Walters, Jim Pierson, Captains Fletcher Hall and Reginald Tate, Calvin Haines, and Sarah Zuckerman, among a few others.

"Well, I would have liked more volunteers in the end, but this is better than nothing," commented Dooley, "Tell you what. I'll give the rest of you a little more time to think about this, since I only just informed you of this dire news. That's it, boys and girls. May good fortune be with the LPD, or this town is in greater danger than it was when the Death Angel ruled here!"

And with that, the officers and detectives filed out of the briefing room and the building, putting their civilian clothes back on before leaving the station.

* * *

A couple of hours later, Sonny Bonds, who had just received a little bit of consolation from his wife, Marie Bonds, took a walk on the streets for a little while. There, he was joined by a few of his closest friends on the police force, his two former partners, blond Laura Watts and chain-smoker Keith Robinson, and Laura Gomez, a Hispanic Latino cop who was also a very good friend of Sonny's wife Marie. When the two Laura's were together, they didn't mind being referred to as Watts and Gomez. Sonny sometimes referred to Keith as Robinson, though it was usually only his superior officers who called him Bonds, as well as crooks that took a strong disliking to the famed cop.

"How the _hell_ is the city supposed to get along without cops on the streets protecting the citizens' lives?" Keith wanted to know. "It's almost as if they _want_ to be left naked and unprotected to the scum of the city!"

"Leave it to people who have the same exact fault that Bains and his criminal organization," said Watts, "Greed. They want to save all their precious money for themselves, especially if some of the people they're paying apparently 'aren't doing their job.'"

"The city needs police," said Sonny, "The only reason I didn't volunteer to be a cop who would carry on his duties even without pay, is because I wasn't yet sure if I was ready to do it. But unless a good solution comes up soon for getting this money for the city, I'm going to go back to work and continue to help the citizens of this town, even if they _are_ ungrateful for it."

"I only hope that Marie doesn't mind your doing that, Sonny," said Gomez with concern, "I know she has her own paying job, and she might want your help with some things around the house, or with the chores, maybe. Did you stop to think about that, Sonny?"

Sonny looked thoughtful. "Yeah, you're right, Gomez," he admitted, "Maybe I _should_ talk to her a little more about this before jumping into this decision.."

By this time, they were walking in the local park called Cotton Cove, a popular place for couples to relax and joggers to jog through. Gomez and Watts tossed a little bread to some ducks floating on the water. It seemed like any ordinary day at the park, only without Jessie Bains' presence for once.

Suddenly, they thought they heard some weird giggling noises coming from behind some bushes. Figuring it was a couple having some private time together, the cops chose to leave them alone. But they didn't get far before somebody came out from behind the bushes.

Sonny blinked. He felt as if he had seen this guy somewhere before. Was it in Lytton Airport, when he was tailing Bains with Robinson? He looked to be about a decade older than Sonny, short, had a small bald spot on his brunette head, a goofy-looking face, and a white leisure suit with some gold chains and a blue shirt.

"Don't I know you?" Sonny inquired, after he noticed that the man was coming right toward them.

The man started, but then a look of recognition crossed his face. "Officer Sonny Bonds!" he exclaimed. He ran up and shook his hand. "It's good to see you! I've always wanted to meet you in person! Say, you've got some pretty-looking friends here. Are any of them available, if you know what I mean? Is one of these ladies your girlfriend?"

Both Laura's recoiled at the stranger's advances in disgust.

"I have a _wife_, mister," said Sonny, "and she's at home right now. Her name is Marie. These are my best friends on the police force, Laura Gomez, Keith Robinson, and Laura Watts."

"Oh. Hey. Good to meet you," the man said, offering his hand again. Keith shook it, but the Laura's didn't. "My name is Larry. Larry Laffer. I was just spending a little private time with my temporary would-be girlfriend over there when I heard you guys talking about the bad situation the police force is in."

"Yes," said Sonny, "The police department is in debt to the city about some things that you might find hard to understand, Larry."

"Yeah, you're probably right about that," said Larry, "My areas of expertise are gambling (legal, of course), ladies, adventures, and the female erogenous zones. But listen. You'd be amazed at the things people can do to get money, and I'm not talking about illegal activities, either."

Watts squinted suspiciously at Larry. "What are you saying, exactly?"

"I have an idea on how to get that $50,000 the news reporters said the city wants," said Larry, "This idea comes from a strange, but hilarious, movie I once saw, only in this case, it involves women as well as men. From the looks of you four, I think you look sexy enough for it, at least as long as Keith doesn't chain-smoke while doing it."

All four cops blinked when Larry mentioned the word "sexy." "Uh, can you just tell us what it is?" asked Sonny.

Larry took a deep breath. "It's called the same thing that the movie was called: The Full Monty!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

"The Full what?" asked Keith, having a funny feeling about this, like it was something he wasn't going to like.

"Monty. The Full Monty," said Larry. "It's an old British saying that means going all the way with something you're doing. I guess an American equivalent might be 'the whole nine yards,' or something."

"Okay, then," said Sonny, "But what does that have to do with us and the police force? Are you saying that we have to go all out with our crime fighting to get the citizens to respect us again?"

"Uh, no, not exactly," Larry admitted, "Law enforcement isn't my area of expertise. Ladies and one-night stands are, even though I'm still hoping to find my true love someday. No, my idea has to do with taking all your clothes off. You see-"

"Taking our clothes off?" Gomez almost squeaked, "You have got to be kidding me! Why would professional law officers want to get involved in something like that? There are other people who can do things like that, you know, and most of them don't care to get involved with the affairs of the police!"

"Exactly how undressed would we be expected to get?" asked Watts. "I hope it's just to our underwear, or a swimsuit."

"Uh, actually, no," said Larry, "In the case of 'the Full Monty,' the strippers take all their clothes off. Remember, the Full Monty means going all the way, which I've done enough times with various girls (and they've been doing the same with me), and that means taking off all your clothes."

Keith almost barked a laugh. "You expect some of Lytton's cops to get fully undressed in front of a paying crowd?"

"Easy, guys," said Larry, "It's not as bad as you think. All you have to do is put on your police uniforms, do a little sensuous dancing, and gradually undress until you're nude. Of course, as is the custom with the similar Chippendales dancers, the pants will be breakaway pants, that you pull off with a good yank. And I can fix it so that you definitely get paid for it. What do you say?"

The cops thought about it for a minute. Then Watts said, "I'll do it. I think my California good looks can turn plenty of heads, and I've always looked for a way to get attention from people since Sgt. Dooley reprimanded me for playing pranks on him as 'the Gremlin.'"

"Excellent!" said Larry, "That's one. You know, I think you're kinda hot myself. You'd be ideal for this kind of thing. I mean, who loves ya baby? Maybe we can go out together sometime, just you and me."

Laura sized up the pudgy, balding, single loser. It occurred to her that she could string this silly man along and pretend to be his girlfriend, and then lay him off at the right moment. She wondered how many girls had already done that to him, exactly. "Yeah, maybe, I'd like that, Larry," she said, "I'm sure I can give you the time of your life."

Larry was gratified by her offer, not realizing that Laura Watts was going to be just like all the other girls Larry ever picked up. "That's great," he said, "I'll get to suggesting a place where we can get together in a minute. Now, how about the rest of you?"

"Count me in," said Keith, "My wife has often commented on how I would look if I took off my clothes in public, though she says I'd look even better if I didn't smoke so much."

"Maybe doing this will help you quit for good," wisecracked Watts.

"Yeah," agreed Keith, "It's an idea."

"I'd love to do this," said Gomez.

Keith and Watts looked at her. "Well, that doesn't surprise me much," said her fellow Laura, "because you are one of the hottest lookers on the force. You have the sexy Hispanic Latino looks of the late Pat Morales, only you don't act like a sociopath who gets pissed off at the slightest provocation and betrays her own police officers."

Gomez looked at her mildly. "Well, thanks for the compliment, Watts," she said. "I guess we'll all need good luck on this business venture."

"Well, that just leaves Sonny," said Keith, "How about it, Sonny? What do you say?"

Sonny looked aghast, especially at the willingness of his friends to go along with this absurd idea. "I'm sorry, but I can't do something like that. And frankly, I can't imagine how the rest of you can slide into it so easily! Whatever happened to your dignity as officers of the law, for God's sake?"

His friends looked at him in surprise. "Why can't we do this, Sonny?" asked Gomez, "I mean, we have to do something to save the force, and so far, this is the only link to a possible miracle we've come across. Besides, even cops get involved in activities that some people think of as illicit. Remember Jack Cobb's birthday party at the Blue Room, where 'Hoochie Coochie' Hannah did a strip dance of sorts for him? And Jack was a married man at the time, too. Of course, things didn't go well between him and his wife, but Hannah wasn't the reason Mrs. Cobb divorced Jack. His drinking was."

"Now, Gomez, please don't remind me of Jack right now," said Sonny, "I don't think he wants to get involved in this. But I still can't do it. What will Marie think of me, dancing and stripping to full nudity with my cop friends, male _and_ female, in front of a crowd of other men and women? I think she'd go nuts!"

"Oh, come on, Sonny," laughed Keith, "I have a wife too, and she wouldn't go nuts over something like this."

"But Keith," said Sonny exasperatedly, "Mrs. Robinson is not Marie Bonds. Your wife and my wife have very different ways of looking at the issues of life."

"Sonny," said Watts, "how do you know that Marie would react in such a way? For Pete's sake, she was once a prostitute, and she's quite acquainted with sex and the human body. Maybe she would come to the show herself and-"

"Stop it!" exclaimed Sonny. "Just stop it! I am not doing this, all right? And I can't risk doing something this illicit while married to Marie, and I'm not about to divorce her, ever!"

"_You_ stop it, Sonny," said Gomez sternly, "I know Marie almost as well as you do, and she loves you, plus she's a very sweet young woman. So don't even think of bringing up the topic of marriage and divorce now, especially not in front of me."

Sonny put his face in one hand. Larry watched all this, and then said, "If Sonny here doesn't want to take part in my idea, we shouldn't pressure him or force him to do so. We can always find more dancers somewhere else in the police force."

"I agree," said Keith, "Don't worry about it, Sonny. If you don't want to do this, you don't have to."

"It's not a case of not wanting to do it, Keith," said Sonny, "I can't do it. I have a strong but sensitive marriage to uphold as much as I uphold the law."

"Let's leave Sonny alone for a while," said Watts, "Don't worry, Sonny. Everything will be all right."

"Yeah," said Larry, "Let's give him a while to think about it, and if he changes his mind, he's welcome to join us. So relax, Sonny. Think about it. You may be surprised at what your wife might like. I know I have been with my many girlfriends."

A voice cried from behind the bushes, "Hey, Laffer! You going to get back here sometime today, or do you want me to leave you all alone earlier than planned? Get off your ass and on your feet!"

Larry sighed. "Sorry, guys," he said to the cops, "I've gotta go now. My lover awaits me still."

"Laffer!" the voice shouted again. People turned to stare. A mother covered her child's eyes after noticing the person yelling behind the bushes.

"Coming, Thygh!" said Larry, hurrying back to the spot where he was before. "Listen, come to my private casino sometime. It's on the outskirts of the Nevada/California state line. There, we can discuss this in more detail, and maybe start some training. Meanwhile, try to find at least a few more cops that are interested in helping this cause, and bring them along." He gave them the address and telephone number.

"We will, Larry," said Keith, and the cops, except for Sonny, waved.

The four friends decided to go back home after this unexpected meeting and think it over, and perhaps make a few phone calls. Sonny went home, not sure how he was going to explain this sort of thing to Marie. He was always the big hero when Lytton was in trouble in the past, and now here was something he couldn't bring himself to do.

Just goes to show how even the best of the best run into loopholes they can't immediately find a way out of.


End file.
